...RE - continuation

i'd like to refer to something i wrote on 22nd Dec 2005:

i was beyond anger ...
a few more days n the same happened ... i gave up on him ... at least at first...

its a bit hard for me to explain what i mean by this ...
sometimes i think im jus making up excuses for myself... you know!... letting myself off the hook...
matlab... it must be so painful for him to realise kay i dont trust him completely ... n of course i feel guilty for that ; that i cant bring myself to ...

anyhow... lets start from the beginning...
i dont deny that i thought kay he'd backed off... infact ... i had even convinced myself kay that had been his intent all along... some form of vindictive gesture against me for rejecting him earlier ...( August 2005... ok this is a bit lame par i remember the exact date... so why not ?...:S 31st.August.2005)

i spent a whole day fuming ... i guess what made me so SURE was the fact that he'd not informed me in ANY way... matlab.. when we'd discussed bout decreasing the 'frequency' of calls ... he'd been so adamant kay there'd never be a situation when he would not at least TELL me kay he wudnt be able to call ... n that he wud think it SO RUDE if he didnt do that ...

i mean ... i seriously cudnt think of a situation when he jus CUDNT CALL... of course accident came to mind ... par ... y wud his mobiles be off ... n y wudnt the guy at zypherlogics tell me ?...

SO... for my own sanity i made up my mind kay i prolly deserved wat i got ... n it was done and over wid.. (shish!.. im so convinced kay i cant stay in a long term relationship... actually circumstances hi aisay rahay hian ... nobody specific to be blamed ...)

what truly riled me was the fact kay baat itni barh chuki thi kay mama, sofia and even akmal knew bout it ... n then ... mama had already tol nenek mon bout it too ...

again... its not that i din have flashes of doubt. i mean ... he's been calling me everyday for the past whole month ... n then... he had NEVER come across as insincere... (kahan say mil jatay hain aisay log ! OR??? Oh God how cunning!)

BUT... (n i'v changed my mind bout this)... i was definitely pissed off...

whatever the reason ... it DID NOT justify the silent treatment i got... A WHOLE WEEK!!!!
i dunno , maybe im over reacting... par its all relative... i mean ... if he'd been calling bout once a week or so ... i'd prolly give him a month b4 i went berserk (lol... berserk! really saara!)

khair... n now im getting to the point...
i started thinking k i'd lost it ....
one moment i'd be at the verge of crying ... or full with anger....
n the next moment i'd catch myself smiling at something he'd said in one of our conversations ...n really smiling ... u know the kind when somebody else catches you doin it ... they ( the somebody else) knows its bout somfin or sombody REALLY special... :):):):):)
i mean ... hello!!!!! SAARA!!! wake-up!!!

so its like im travelling from one reality to another ...
at one plane im completely convinced kay its over n done with... i was deliberately mislead... n now dumped ... (padan muka saara!!! )

n at the other ... everything's all rosy ... i havent even acknowledged kay he hasnt been talking to me... n i jus keep remembering him like nothing's changed....

n at another ... i feel SO foolish ... matlab... how cud i let somebody fool me like this ... ANGER... mostly at myself ... STUPID STUPID SAARA!!!

n all this within seconds... n u have this floating feeling of being in a dream coz what's goin through my mind does NOT make sense ... so my mind tells me ... 'relax! ur jus dreaming saara'..

course i know im not !!!...
conclusion: i'v lost it... or AM losing it at any rate...

it definitely doesnt help to have been living amongst emotionally confused ppl ( ma family - n no offense)...
my greatest fear ...(laugh if u want saara) is that i'll go the same way one day ...

my sweet side says: god that must be so horrible ... im so sorry
my harsher side: get a life saara ! u jus like to attract sympathy ... n get on with ur life minus this rubbish

yeah well i wish it was that easy ...
for most part i dont think bout such things ... matlab ... I SHUD get a life ... par something like this happens ... n i lose it ...

seriously ... i dont think he knows what he's getting into ... God help him ... seriously ...lol