some things i stole from Reader's Digest

I am a disc jockey, and one night when I was at the controls a record began to slip. Before I could react , the needle scraped across the entire song leaving me with “dead-air” silence, a D.J.’s worst enemy. I grabbed the mike and shouted over the air: “ All right – which one of you listeners at home just bumped your radio and made my record slip? After my little face-saving joke, I played another song.
A few minutes later, the switch board operator came in to say that three people had called to apologise.

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One day my six-yr-old daughter saw my sister putting some massage cream on her face She asked her, “ What is that , auntie?”
“It’s what makes my face pretty,” my sister replied.
When my sister finished the massage, my daughter looked at her face and said, “Throw that cream away, auntie. It doesn’t work.”

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A clergyman walking down a country lane sees a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off.
“you look hot, my son,” said the cleric.
“Why don’t you rest a moment, and I’ll give you a hand.”
“No, thanks,” said the young man. “My father won’t like it “
“Don’t be silly”, the clergyman said.
“Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water”.
Again the young man protested that his father would be upset. Losing his patience, the clergyman said, “Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I’ll give him a piece of my mind!”
“He’s under the load of hay”, replied the farmer.

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A man noted for his tact was awakened one morning at four o’clock by his ringing phone. “Your dog’s barking and it’s keeping me awake,” said an irate voice. The man thanked the caller and politely asked his name before hanging up. The next morning at four o’clock, he called back his neighbour.
“Sir”, he said, “ I don’t have a dog.”

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The five phone lines at our busy eye doctor’s office were ringing at once. A receptionist picked up a line on hold and told the patient, “Take it out, rinse it and put it back in “. Her advise, however, was met with dead silence on the phone. Then my co-worker realized that she was talking not to a contact-lens patient, but to a person suffering from a bloodshot eye. Finally the patient mustered a response. “I think I’ll get another opinion.” She said.

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In the post office: I don’t want to say the mail is slow – but last week my flower seeds arrived as a bouquet.”
At the pub: “Ever feel you are the head pin on life’s bowling alley and everyone’s rolling strikes?”

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A man was passing a country estate an saw a sign on the gate. It read:
“ Please ring bell for the caretaker.”
He rang the bell and an old man appeared. “Are you the caretaker?”
The fellow asked.
“Yes, I am,” replied the old man.
“What do you want?”
“I’ll just like to know why you can’t ring the bell yourself?”

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